Step of Faith

I don't know how much faith I have in this process right now.  OK, I do, and it's close to zero.  However, I do have faith that God has brought us safe this far and will bring us safely home--with our children.  I do have faith that these faces are those of our sons and daughters and that there are big things in store for all of us.

Here's the update:  a LIMIAR representative was able to successfully submit the payment we owed to the US Consulate in Rio de Janeiro today.  It was a solution 2 weeks in the making for us and probably 2 months in the making for the other family who will likely be traveling at the same time as us (to adopt a sibling group of 5).  Whew.  Now all that remains is for the Consulate to send the Acordo letter to CEJA, who must notify the court so that Lino can request a court date for us to receive custody of those beauties up there.  (Aren't the amazingly beautiful!)

Just one major step left before we know when we can take that long-anticipated flight to the south of Brazil.  So, why can't I calm down?  Where's the peace?  I'm walking around feeling like I've just had 8 cups of coffee (and it only takes one to make my heart race, my hands shake and my body twitch).  I want to say, "this could be the week!"  But I honestly think it would be easier to convince myself that this adoption will never take place and we'll be waiting forever than to step out in faith and believe that it really could happen this week.  I'm getting palpitations just thinking about it.  

Will you do it, Lord?  Will you do it now?  What could possibly glorify you more than to do it right now?

I talked a while back about the battle between flesh and spirit.  It's a sticky place to live.  And I'm stuck.  Heart knows everything will turn out OK, head doubts it strongly.  Head wraps around the reality that we are almost there, heart is afraid to believe it and risk being bruised.  Heart trusts God and his timing, head can't imagine what would make then better than now.  Head trusts that our agencies are doing everything they can, heart just wants to buy plane tickets.  Heart only wants to embrace our darling beloveds, head knows we must wait.  Head loves that so many friends desire to encourage us, heart just wants to see it all end begin.  Head/Heart...Heart/Head...See what I mean?  

This much conflict inside of one person is just plain exhausting and the funny thing is that there's nothing I can do about it.  I resolve to let my spirit rest in God's sovereignty, and immediately flip-flop into mental anxiety.  

We serve a Holy God.  That means that He is so completely other that nothing we can do makes it possible for us to wrap our minds around how other He is.  As someone said in an episode of House recently, "It would be easier for penguins to imagine quantum physics."  But we try, and it honestly comforts me to know that "if we knew everything God knew, we would not question His timing."  (Inspiring theological quote from a dear friend and past-elder of our church.)  His reasons might be because He's not through with us, or perhaps He's not through with the children yet, or maybe He's not through with one of the many observers of this long process.  We can't know, but in the meantime, He keeps throwing us morsels of encouragement, like the last bit of this post by our dear friend who is also waiting to adopt her children from Colombia and giving God the glory in the waiting.  

Here's one last thing I know for sure.  In the moment we first embrace our children, none of the anxiety or frustration or disappointment or uncertainty of the last bunch of years will matter.  It will surely disappear.  And guess who gets the glory on that day?

Being Present, Savoring, Investing

A few weeks ago, I had a great talk witha friend about "being here now."  It sure is funny how, no matter where we are, we always dream of being somewhere new... or somewhere old.  What if I had chosen this or that?  What if X hadn't happened?  What if I had accomplished Y?  If only I felt happier or safer or braver.  If only my prayers had been answered.  All of this worry takes our eyes off of the beauty of the present moment, and I think that no matter how frustrating, scary, stressful or unexpected now is, it has got to have some beauty built into it.  Even if it's something little (although, I think the beauty is always bigger than we think it will be).  It's probably always best to "be here now."

It's not as easy as it sounds, this being here now, but I'm working on it.  I've decided that after this long wait to be united with my children is over, I am going to eliminate grumbling and complaining from my vocabulary and do my best to be 100% present, invest 100%, and savor every moment to the fullest.  I know I'll be in a tailspin of new-ness and probably overwhelmed with the responsibility and day-to-day stuff of parenting 4 children, but I'm determined to focus on filling up their hearts with all the love and encouragement and confidence and self-esteem and skills and Jesus that they need to be whole people in this broken and unpredictable world.  We don't have any time to waste.

So, maybe my house will get messy.  And maybe we'll be late getting to places.  And maybe my children will show up in public with clothes that don't match sometimes.  But, those dear hearts of those will matter more than anything else to us.  We will laugh and take pictures and listen to one another.  We will cling so tightly to each other that there will be no room for gloom to sneak its way in--even on the sad and difficult days.  We will notice and talk and play and sing and tickle and watch them grow.  And at the end of every full day we will crash into bed and thank the Lord for the blessings we fight for every day.

This is our task.  To be present in every moment.  To savor every moment.  To invest in every moment.  Times 4.  And in the meantime, I'm practicing on my darling husband.  He's such a gift.  I hope he knows it.

Thoughts & Prayers

Hi, this is James writing today--it's my first blog entry on Perfect Provision.  Kim has done such a wonderful job faithfully documenting our adoption journey on the blog these past few years, and she has spoken so eloquently about matters from both her heart and mine.  However, as I'm sure you noticed from her last entry, we've had quite an emotional week!  I just felt like I needed to write and share some of my thoughts also.

• I have had such a hard time focusing at work this past week.  Thinking and praying about the two boys in Brazil has really preoccupied me, and I have felt so distracted from my job.  I generally try to keep a healthy perspective and balance between my "work" life and my "home" life, but this feels like another thing altogether.  It really puts into perspective what matters most.  My passion for architecture and my enjoyment of my job are amazing gifts from God's gracious hand, but they pale in comparison to the heart He has given me for my family, my responsibility as a husband, and my desire to be a father.  God, help me be a strong husband and father.  Draw me closer to you so that I may be the man you have called me to be.
• I told one of my friends this week, a new father himself, that I couldn't imagine how much of a parent's day must go into thinking about their kids!  I don't even know yet if these two wonderful boys in Brazil have been chosen by God to be our sons, but I can't get them off of my mind.  God, you know every thought in my mind and every desire of my heart.  Help me to focus on You constantly so that all my thoughts and desires will be of You, and not of my own selfish desires.
• I "miss" my children.  I know, it sounds crazy, right!  But I can't think of another word to use.  I don't even know who they are yet, but I miss them.  It's the only emotion that comes even close to expressing how my heart has been feeling.  All this time, while knowing God would reveal His will in His perfect timing, I have been missing my children.  And now that I have the names and faces of these two particular boys in my heart, I miss them even more.  Could these be my sons?  Oh Lord, I know your plan will be perfect whether these boys are my sons or not, but oh how my heart longs for them.
• I don't think I have ever prayed for any one thing so much in my life as I have for these two boys this past week.  In general, I have not been the most consistent pray-er in my life, and I haven't always made a point to go daily to the Lord with my prayers.  I heard someone say once, "we sing 'sweet hour of prayer,' but God's lucky if He gets even a few minutes a week."  That has definitely been me most of my life.  But a few weeks ago, Kim and I committed to praying daily for our children "whoever they are" each night before bed.  Shortly after we started our daily prayers, we received the information about these two boys.  I'm not trying to insinuate at all that our particular prayers, as an example of our own selfish works, had anything to do with the fact that shortly afterwards we received information from Brazil, but I am celebrating the fact that He frequently uses trying or difficult  circumstances to draw us closer to Him.  Even in the past few weeks, Kim and I have become more comfortable praying in front of each other and in going to the Lord with our thoughts--we hope and pray that, whether or not these are our sons, we will be able to keep daily prayer in our lives.  Lord, help me be a strong example as a pray-er in my family, for my wife and my children.  I want to have a household where prayer is a daily activity, where praising You and going to You with our joys, praises, fears, and concerns is "normal."
• At the same time I have been praying this week with very particular words at times, it has also been one of those "groans without words" praying weeks too.  Romans 8:26-27 says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."  There have been times when all I could consciously say was, "Lord, you know my heart--please take it all."  Other times, I have silently said the boys' names, held them in my heart, and lifted them to the Lord.  Lord, you know my heart--please take it all.
• It's been hard to know what to pray for this week.  At the same time I want to pray for the Lord's will to be done whether or not these are our sons, I also feel like it is appropriate to petition God from the deepest depths of my heart that I want to be a father to these two boys.  I also know that I need to pray that God is preparing a proper home for them, whether or not it is in His plan for Kim and me to be their parents.  God, not my will but thy will be done.  But if You will it, oh that Kim and I could be parents to these two boys.
• Today before church, I sat down in one of the pews to pray for these boys.  Afterwards, I took one of the pew Bibles out and opened it up.  The first thing my eye went to was Psalm 127:  "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.  Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.  In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat--for he grants sleep to those he loves.  Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.  Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.  They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate."  God, the desire of my heart is to build a household that loves and fears You.  Your word tells us that children are a gift from your gracious hand.  If it is in your plan that these two boys are our sons, we pray that you bring them to us without delay.
• There are a number of things in the mix that might make it seem like our petition would be denied by the Brazilian courts.  As Kim mentioned, this is namely the fact that other agencies were also provided with the information about these two boys, that the referral may be quite desirable due to the children's age, and the fact that other people have been waiting longer in the system and those petitions might be given preferential treatment.  It is because of all these things that, if the petition is granted, it will be all God's doing.  Of course we know it's all God's doing to begin with!  But He has been so faithful in  sustaining us through this process because we have tried to remain focused on Him.  He's led us to adopt internationally, sustained us through years of "waiting," showed us clearly it was His will that we switch countries--He was in our heart when we decided with that switch to request siblings, and He has challenged us to consider older aged referrals than we initially thought.  All these things were against all odds, even "crazy"!  It is for this reason that we know that, if our petition to adopt these two boys is granted, God has been using all of this waiting, this preparation, this longing in our hearts in order to glorify Himself.  What a joy it would be for us to tell of this miracle!  Lord, we praise you because you are a God who can work against all odds.  We praise you because you are able to use imperfect people and systems and governments and actions to carry our your will.  We know that your hand is in everything that goes on in this world, but when the "impossible" happens, we see your hand at work even more clearly.  Regardless of the outcome of this petition, we have felt you working in our lives these past few years, and we know that you are faithful always.

...do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.  (Hebrews 10: 35-36)

*Deep breath* Sigh...

Amen.

Names

I like Brazilian names.  Almost every one I hear sounds sweet and beautiful in my ear looks like candy to my eye.  As so many of my friends are getting ready to have babies in the next few months, names are on my mind.  It's the question everyone asks--do you have a name picked out?  We continue to wonder what our children's names are.  

When the mind starts wandering into prayerful daydreams of our children and what they do each day as we wait so far from them, it's easy to wonder what their friends call out to them during games of soccer or tag.  It's easy to wonder how it will feel to whisper their names as we tuck them into bed at night or how it will feel to see their faces and read their names for the first time.  

I love to read this list and feel like I know their names.  They just sound so melodic to me.

Girls’ Names

Adriana	Jovita	Elsa	Quixada
Agacia	Juana	Elvera	Raquel
Aidia	Juanetta	Elvira	Renata
Aislara	Juanisha	Elvita	Rica
Alameda	Juanita	Elzineia	Ricarda
Alandra	Julia	Ema	Rocio
Alanza	Kaba	Emesta	Roderiga
Alazne	Kachiri	Emilia	Roldana
Aldonza	Kaiala	Engracia	Romana
Alegria	Katryny	Enrica	Rufina
Alejandra	Kay	Enriqua	Sanderlei
Alejandrina	Laura	Erendira	Selena
Aliane	Lia	Fabiana	Senalda
Ana	Ligia	Faqueza	Senna
Andira	Linez	Fe	Senobia
Aparecida	Luciana	Felepita	Senona
Arika	Lucina	Felicita	Serafina
Aurinha	Ludimilia	Fernanda	Serena
Beatrisa	Luisa	Flavia	Sevilla
Beatriz	Marcela	Genoveva	Shoshana
Belen	Marguarita	Gerarda	Sibelia
Belinda	Mariana	Ginessa	Sierra
Benita	Mirelli	Giselli	Silvia
Bernicia	Monique	Gitana	Simona
Bethania	Monize	Gloria	Sintia
Blanca	Nade	Gracia	Socorro
Carolina	Nalda	Graciana	Solana
Cassia	Nana	Graciela	Soledad
Celia	Narcisa	Gregoria	Soledada
Celina	Natalia	Guillermina	Stefania
Claudenize	Natividad	Iara	Suelita
Claudia	Nelia	Idoia	Susana
Cristiana	Nelida	Idolina	Teresa
Damita	Nerea	Idonia	Teresita
Dani	Neta	Iemanja	Trella
Deiene	Neva	Ignacia	Ula
Deina	Nevada	Igone	Ursulina
Delcine	Nicanora	Iracema	Valencia
Delmara	Nicolasa	Irasema	Verdad
Denisa	Odete	Iris	Veta
Desideria	Orquidia	Isadora	Vicenta
Dionisa	Paciencia	Isaurides	Viviane
Dita	Palmira	Jacarei	Xalbadora
Dolores	Paloma	Janaina	Xalvadora
Dolorita	Pascuala	Jasone	Xandra
Domenica	Pastora	Javiera	Xaviera
Dominga	Patricia	Jimena	Xevera
Dona	Paula	Jisa	Xeveria
Dorbeta	Pauleta	Joana	Xhana
Dorotea	Pia	Joaquina	Yanamarie
Drina	Piedad	Jordana	Yesenia
Duena	Pilar	Jorgelina	Yoana
Dulce	Placida	Josefa	Yolanda
Dulcina	Priscila	Josefina	Zaina
Edeli	Pura	Josilene	Zamora
Eliana	Pureza	Josune	Zandra
Elena	Purisima	Jovana	Zanetta
Elina	Quela	Jovena	Zanita
Elisa	Querida	Jovina	Zelia
Eloisa	Quinta

Boys’ Names

Adhmar	Jose	Felix	Reymundo
Adilson	Keris	Ferdinando	Reynaldo
Adolfo	Laurencio	Fermin	Ricardo
Adriano	Leandro	Fernando	Riel
Agustin	Leon	Fido	Rio
Alano	Leonardo	Filipo	Romano
Alanzo	Leonel	Flavio	Ronaldo
Alarico	Leonides	Florentino	Rosario
Alberto	Leopoldo	Florinio	Ruben
Alejandro	Lisandro	Fonzo	Rudi
Alexildo	Lonzo	Francisco	Rudolfo
Alfonso	Lorenzo	Franco	Rudy
Alonzo	Lucas	Gilberto	Rufio
Aluino	Luciano	Gustavo	Sancho
Alvar	Lucero	Galtero	Santiago
Alvaro	Luciano	Gaspar	Santos
Alverio	Lucio	German	Saturnin
Amadeo	Luis	Geronimo	Saul
Amado	Mapi	Gervasio	Sebastiano
Arlindo	Marcio	Gervaso	Segundo
Bartoli	Marcos	Gil	Selmo
Bartolo	Matheus	Gilberto	Sencio
Bartolome	Mauro	Gregorio	Senon
Basilio	Mayara	Gualterio	Serafin
Bastian	Miguel	Guido	Sevastian
Blas	Natalio	Halturen	Silvanio
Bruno	Natanael	Hamilton	Silvano
Caio	Nataniel	Heribert	Silvio
Cassiano	Nemesio	Heriberto	Siro
Cedro	Nestor	Hernan	Teodoro
Cenon	Nestorio	Hernandez	Teyo
Cesar	Nicanor	Hernando	Thiago
Cesario	Nicolas	Hilario	Thyrso
Cesaro	Niguel	Hildson	Timo
Chan	Noe	Homero	Timoteo
Charro	Norberto	Honorato	Tito
Che	Normando	Horado	Tobias
Chemo	Octavio	Huberto	Toli
Chico	Oduvaldo	Hugo	Tomas
Ciceron	Oliverio	Humberto	Tonio
Cidro	Oranjinho	Iago	Toro
Cirilo	Orlan	Ignacio	Turi
Danilo	Pascual	Ignado	Ulises
Denilson	Patricio	Ignazio	Urbano
Diego	Patrico	Ilhem	Valentin
Dinho	Paulino	Inocencio	Vicente
Dino	Paulo	Jabuti	Victor
Djavan	Pedro	Jacobo	Victoriano
Domenico	Placido	Jago	Victorino
Domingo	Platon	Jaime	Victorio
Donato	Ponce	Jair	Uluiru
Donzel	Porfirio	Jairo	Vitor
Duardo	Porfiro	Javier	Wanadi
Duarte	Reinaldo	Javiero	Wanderlino
Edson	Rogerio	Jax	Xalbador
Edvaldo	Ramon	Jeremias	Xalvador
Eduardo	Ramone	Jerico	Xavier
Efrain	Raoul	Jeronimo	Ximenes
Fausto	Raul	Joao	Yago
Federico	Renaldo	Joaquin	Yoaquin
Feliciano	Renato	Jonas	Yulius
Felipe	Rey	Jorge	Zacarias
			Zenob

Message to our Children

Dearest Ones,

Someday you'll read this and I wonder what you'll think.  I'm trying to fill these pages with all the love I have in my heart for you, but somehow I'm sure it's not enough.  You'll need more than just these pages.  You came to us because of a loss you and your birth family suffered, and that is a loss you will always have beside you.  You have not always been ours, but I believe that there was never a day when we were not miraculously linked.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'll have enough to give you to make up for all your hurt.  Will I be able to help you pick up all your pieces and mend them together to form the Whole children God wants you to be?  I will do all I can, every day, and pray that that will be enough.  

Your Mama

Next year

 This weekend we went to The Big E (Eastern States Expo) with some friends.  That means that we spent the whole day looking at farm animals, riding carnival rides, enjoying a prarade, admiring crafts and handiwork from all around New England, and eating fried food on a stick.  I also couldn't shake the idea that next year we'll experience this annual outing in a whole new way--as parents.  I don't know what the world will look like from that new perspective, but I can imagine how much fun it will be to show our kids new things and share new experiences together:  like corn dogs!

Are you nervous?

 A new friend asked me today how the process was going.  I told her that this week (Tuesday, I think) I sent all of the documents in our dossier to the Brasilian consulate in NYC (and one document to the consulate in Atlanta) to be legalized.  They should return to us within a week or so and sit waiting in our file box until we receive USCIS approval.  Then is one last round of certification and one last, big, fat FedEx envelope addressed to Brazil.

She asked if that meant that we could meet our kids "any time" after that.  I supposed that it does.  Then she asked if I was nervous.  

Nervous.  I don't think that's an emotion I've ever felt during this whole process.  I've felt excited, hopeful, impatient, disappointed, ready, peaceful, worried, sad, brokenhearted, affirmed and encouraged, but it has never occurred to me to feel nervous.  Could that be because of how sure we are that God called us here?  Could it be because the wait has been so long and we just feel the anticipation of finally holding our precious ones?  Could it be because we don't yet fully realize what our life will be like and how quickly it will change forever?  Could it be because of the many, many, many loving friends and family members we have standing by ready to support us as parents?  Maybe all of the above.  

I told her that I hadn't felt nervous yet, but that I'm sure there would be moments of frenzied, panicked nervousness when we are trying to get everything ready before getting on a plane to Sao Paulo, or butterflies in our stomachs while we wait to meet them for the first time.  

Every time I've ever been nervous before a presentation or speech of some sort, I am reminded of what someone wise once told me (I think it was my mother), "The nervousness means you care."  I'll embrace it if it comes... but I know it won't last long.  

What this blog is (not) about

This blog is NOT meant to be:

1. A lifeless play-by-play of a process called adoption.
2. A place to vent about our frustrations related to waiting for our children.
3. A soapbox for our personal agendas.
4. A preachy-preachy sermon.
5. A commercial for our adoption agency.

This blog is intended to:

1. Document our adoption journey as part of our (and our children's) life story.
2. Grow into a document that shows our children how deeply we loved them since long before we knew their names.
3. Keep our friends and family posted about the details of the journey.
4. Reflect the love of the Father toward each of His children.
5. Testify to God's faithfulness from the minute to the cosmically grand.
   

This post is a reminder to myself of the goals I have for this journal.  It is also a reminder to any readers that, though fingerprints and government approvals and paperwork are a part of adopting, they are by no means the most consequential.  I remind myself frequently that adopting is not about paperwork, it is about our children being a part of our family.  Even more truly, it is about the Creator of the Universe loving his creation so much that he would reach into it and ordain families to be together... and people to be together with Him:  not separated because of our sinsick nature.  We have always desired that God use our family as a living snapshot of His love for us and the way in which he adopts us as sons and daughters through the sacrifice of His own Son.  

That is what this blog (and our family) is about.  

Fingerprints

We're moving right along.  We received our Fingerprint Appointment Notice from USCIS today--September 16.  My heart floods with joy every time there is evidence progress toward our beloveds.  Getting fingerprinted is somewhat bothersome since we must both appear in Hartford, at 2pm, on a work day, when we know that the USCIS has our fingerprints on file since just over a year ago, and we've already paid the hefty fingerprinting fee once before.  But the hassle doesn't even feel like a bother since it's what we must do to (someday soon) become mother and father to our precious children.  Easy.  In fact, the more of these little tasks we accomplish, the nearer we are and the more anticipation we feel.  James mentioned the the other day how his arms and heart ache to hold our children.  That reality is closer than it has ever been.  

Tonight at our Tuesday night small group meeting we began our Bible study with an ice-breaker question as usual.  This week's was, "If you could have dinner with any person living in the World today, who would it be?"  As I fumbled to pull out a compelling celebrity name, Christina rescued me from my floundering and came up with an answer that saw straight to my heart--my children.  Not a singer, a politician, an actor or talk-show host.  Nope.  The people I most desire to sit around a table with are probably 4500 miles from New Haven, but couldn't be nearer to my heart because they are my babies.  There's nothing I desire more than to have them close enough to share a meal with.  

As I begin a new school year this week, I have the continual impression that this is the school year during which everything will change for our family.  Lord willing, this will be the year we become parents.  Though the wait has been long (and may be longer still), I am encouraged in my heart and by so many friends, that the time has never been nearer.  We feel like we've been waiting for our children forever.  Indeed, it has been around 3 years since we started on this journey with dreams and questions and plans.  (That's a long pregnancy!)  But we are not weary yet.  We have just enough patience to get us through to the next milestone and enough hope to keep going no matter what.  

Pray for El Salvador

Some of our friends from AWAA's El Salvador program are preparing to take a trip down to El Salvador with the CEO of the agency.  They leave tomorrow and are hoping to lobby for adoption while there.  There are so many families and children stuck in the tangles of red tape down there and all they want is to be united as families.  Seems very little progress has occurred even still.  The first families in this program have been waiting for well over 2 years and have still not seen any Salvadoran children come home.  We're praying that God will work miraculously on their behalf and for His glory this weekend.  

Isn't it good to know we serve a God who can take care our individual needs so well?  We can trust Him to care for our Brazilian children at the same time as he is working in the lives of the Salvadoran children, the Indian children, the Chinese children, the Rwandan children, the Ethiopian children and the Kazakh children with 100% of his love--all at the same time.  

I have a dear friend who is gifted with the ability to bear the burdens of many others with great love and prayer.  She feels their broken hearts and desperately wants God's best for them.  It's crushing sometimes, the weight of the cares of the world.  But not for our Lord.  He bears all of it--bore it on the cross and bears it today.  I may know a dozen broken hearted, but God knows them all individually and cares just as much for one as for each of the others.  His love has no limits.  That's far more love than I can muster, and I stand in awe of the boundless grace that is free for every broken-hearted soul on the planet.  

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!

Praying

Well, all our paperwork has been sent off to be Apostille Certified in Hartford and we are waiting for USCIS to approve our application to bring our 2 Brazilian children home to the US.  These are not the last steps in the process by far, but it means that we've mostly done our part and it is basically up to other people now to get our kiddos home to us.   You'd think by reading my last post that I would be experiencing a bit of anxiety about letting it all go like that, but truly I feel freed to begin thinking more about our children.  I've been mostly praying about process for the past several weeks or months, and now I just can't get my mind off the children.  Finding out their names, seeing their little faces, knowing where they've been living and what they are like.  The anticipation of the long flight to Brazil.  Meeting them and hugging them for the first time.  Snuggling up with books together.   Exploring Brazil together.  Cooking, eating, laughing, praying, playing and resting together.  Feeling our way through the newness during our 6-week stay in Brazil.  And coming home.  Home as a family.

So many people are praying for our children.  Our parents (the grandparents!), our church, our friends, our small group.  So many people all across the country praying for our children.  

• We are praying that God will be sustaining them and preparing them to be a part of our family. 
  
• We are praying that they will hear about the Lord from their infancy so that their hearts will be ripe to know and love Him.  (Also praying for their caretakers' role in this.)
  
• We are praying that they learn to love and trust each other and their caretakers and that they will be able to transfer that trust to their new parents.  
  
• Finally, we are praying that they stay healthy and well-fed.  

• OK, we're also praying that God will work miraculously to bring them home SOON.  (In the year 2008.)
  

If you've joined us in prayer for our children, why don't you leave a little message for our kids (now that I have the comment section open on the blog) letting them know you've been praying for them too.  Feel free to send your prayin' friends here to leave a comment too.  

I have been blessed in my life to be aware of the many saints lifting up prayers on my behalf and I am convinced that the sum of those prayers is the reason I can say I know and trust Christ.  Those are powerful words and I want our children (when they read this someday) to be assured that they were held in love and prayer from long before we knew their names.  So, leave them a comment to let them know you're praying for them.

This fall, we are planning to send out a call for prayers for the children with a special project based on a Chinese tradition of creating a "Quilt of 100 Good Wishes."  I think we will create a "Quilt of 100 Prayers" and ask for participation from our friends and family.  Keep an eye out for an announcement about that project.

Stay tuned for a brand new look!

Check back soon for a big surprise!  Nikki from Blogs for a Cause is working on a fresh design for our blog!  I'm impressed with the way she is using her skills to fight poverty and make a difference in the world, and I'm sure we'll all be impressed with her creation to be unveiled soon.

My babies deserve a beautiful site to document their journey home, don't you think?

Thanks, Nikki!

Just missing you

Well, it's starting to settle into our minds that we've really switched programs and that we are now, officially, in uncharted waters.  I really wish I had a due-date now more than ever.  Having gone through this process to switch to Brazil has given us the most firm assurance that we are, at this very moment, in God's plan and in His Will.  Having such a confidence of being a part of God's forever-plan almost makes it harder to wait.  Our children ARE waiting for us just as we are waiting for them.  Knowing that they are most likely out of infancy and even the toddler years has ignited in my heart a real and strong yearning to mother them.  Several of our good friends (Lydia, Kristin and Michelle) often remind me that I am a parent and I do have children (Kristin even went out of her way to wish me a happy Mother's Day last month), but I am missing out on mothering them until they finally come home.  

I know God is still preparing us to be together, and with the new urgency I feel, I have been mindfully preparing myself to parent our children.  We've been reading "Shepherding a Child's Heart," we ordered Rosetta Stone Portuguese, I've talked with my principal about getting my children into my school when we return from Brazil, I've joined a Fitness Boot Camp to try to help myself create some healthy habits, Michelle and I are going to start meeting as Spiritual Sharpening Partners, and we are re-reading the Gospel of John along with our house guest, Su Jeong.

And still I don't feel ready.

Our new social worker, Mary-Beth Dobmeier, met with us to update our homestudy report.  She asked us, "What do you think your life will be like when you arrive home from Brazil with your two children?  How will you do your grocery shopping?"  What she wanted to find out, I think, was if we have done some thinking about how we will manage our everyday lives as parents.  Truly, I have no idea what our life will look like.  At this moment, all I want to do is hold my babies.  Just hold them very tightly and not let go for a long long time.  I want to hold them on my lap and snuggle during a movie or a story or the quiet evening while we learn each other's hearts.  

I don't know what it will be like to go grocery shopping, but I hope it's fun.  I took my two neighbor girls home from Drama Club practice the other day and stopped in the grocery store on the way home because I needed some fruit... and so that I could try it out.   The trip was successful, and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle it.  But what about if my beloveds wake up with bad dreams, or miss their home country, or express their grief by lashing out in anger, or fall and hurt their little knees, or have trouble in school, or get frustrated about not being able to communicate in our English-speaking world, or don't know how to receive our love?  Will I be able to hug it all away?  How long will it take before being held by mommy or daddy quells the cares and worries and tears?

Being so sure that we are where God wants us makes me feel that we are one step closer to our children.  And it makes me feel a little more impatient.  

And I miss them.

Suitcase musings.

My mind works best in the practical, tangible, feet-on-the-ground sort of realm.  It's hard to think concrete thoughts about our family, our children, or the way our life will be when there are still so many unknowns.  Who are our children?  Where do they live?  How old will they be when they come home with us?  What do they like and dislike?  What has their life been like so far?  What stories will I read them and what stories have they been read?  

With all these practical questions yet to be answered, my mind tends to wander to things like my suitcase.  What will I pack in a suitcase for a 6 week-long trip to meet my children for the first time?  What what size clothes to bring for them?  What toys will they enjoy playing with?  How will we keep them content and occupied on the plane on the long trip home?  These trivial, practical questions are the ones my mind keeps shifting back to.  

It doesn't matter, I tell myself.  The things I bring are not going to make a difference in the lives of my children.  

That realization brings to the foreground many more questions--somewhat harder to grasp ahold of.  How will we communicate with our children?  What will we say?  Will they be excited to meet us?  How long will it be before they love us?  Will they always lean on each other for support and strength, or will they learn to run to us their us for shelter?  How will we experience Brazil together in a meaningful way?  How will we continue to experience being Brazilian once we arrive home?  

The truth is that there is not one question on this page that I know then answer to, and if I did not know that the Lord is in control and that He alone is the creator of both the Universe and our family, I would be petrified.  This is not an easy life that we have chosen.  There are probably at least a thousand more questions that haven't even occured to me yet, and I don't know the answer to those either.  The one answer I have is that God has chosen our children to be a part of our family.  He has chosen us to be a part of their lives.  We will do our best to honor His call to love and parent those He will bring to us so that their lives will one day reflect His Love and Grace.  That will be a gift that cannot be packed into a suitcase.

A message to my baby

Dear son or daughter,

I am writing this message to you before I have ever met you.  I do not know your name, how old you are, where you are living right now, or even if you are a girl or a boy.  What I do know is that I am your mommy.  From the very beginning of this journey I have known in my heart that you were waiting for me just as I am waiting for you.  We are already connected.  We are connected by love, and we are connected because, from before the beginning of time, God chose us to be your parents and He chose you to be our child.  From before the beginning of time.  Our family has always been part of God's plan.   The process that is bringing us together is a long one full of unknowns.  We do not know how long we will have to wait to meet you, but we will not give up waiting.  

I want you to know how many of our friends and family members already love you too.  Your grandparents pray for you all the time.  Our friends at Trinity Baptist Church ask about you and pray for your safety while we are apart.   Everyone I work with at John Daniels School knows about you and they ask about you all the time.  The people at America World pray every day for our family and all the other families waiting for their children.  Your father and I think of you every day and we are working hard to get ready to be the best parents we can be for you.  

It is not easy for us to wait for the day you come home.  I know it's not easy for you either.  I hope that you know in your heart (the way I know in my heart) that someday we will be together.  And when that day comes, we will be a family.  A family is a beautiful thing--we will hold each other in both joy and sorrow, we will stand by each other in proud and frightening times, we will be together when we are having fun and when we are worried, we will learn from each other, we will explore the world together and change the world together, we will always know who to go to when we need to feel safe.  Because we are a family.

If I could come get you right now, I would do it.  But we must wait.  And though we sometimes feel weak during the waiting time, God is using this time to make us strong, to make our family strong--in our weakness he is strong.  

 7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

With love,

Mommy

Meditation on Adoption

Just stop and think about this:  God adopts us!!

Though we were far from Him and sick with sin (with no way to get to Him on our own), God gave Christ so that those who believe in Him can be adopted as sons and daughters into God's family!  

The process we have to follow to adopt our child into our family sounds much more complicated, but is FAR less costly.  We are giving a year or two of our lives and some of our financial resources to this journey, but Christ sacrificed all--his very life--as an adoption fee for us.  We are privileged to have a family (someday) that will reflect God's loving plan for us so closely.  

Adoption is a miracle.  These are some scriptures verses that have been encouraging to us and other adoptive families as they wait to be united with their miracle.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. 

Proverbs 19:21

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

John 14:18 

I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, and heard my cry.

Psalm 40:1 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.  

Proverbs 3:5&6

Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

Make your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice

for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures then you will understand the fear of the Lord

and find the knowledge of God.  

Proverbs 2:2-5

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper and not harm you. Plans for hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11

The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

I Thessalonians 5:24

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you have received the spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

Romans 8:15

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:1

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

I will proclaim the decree of the LORD:  He said to me, "You are my Son; today I have become your Father. Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession."
Psalm 2:7-8

Hope for El Salvador

James got me this beautiful plaque for my birthday this year.  It was handmade in El Salvador, and what better word to summarize this path leading us to our child?  We don't know where our child is or when he/she will come home to us.  We are in the dark, but we know... we are sure in our hearts that we will be together in God's time.  Sometimes it's hard to keep hope alive, but my heart knows without a single doubt that God will take care of us and take care of our child until we are a family together.  

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Dr. Seuss in Spanish

I don't think Horton Hatches the Egg has been translated into Spanish.  I can't find it anywhere.  Dr. Seuss is a hard one to translate.

Horton Hatches the Egg

On the recommendation of one of the families in our El Salvador Adoption Online Community, we purchased the Dr. Seuss Book Horton Hatches the Egg. I have always loved Dr. Seuss, and this book has some parallels with international adoption.

In the book, a mother bird can't continue to sit on her egg, so she asks Horton the Elephant to sit on it for her. He decides he will commit himself to it and is "faithful one hundred percent." All sorts of troubles come his way because of his resolve to care for the egg no matter what. After sitting faithfully on the egg for fifty one weeks, it finally hatches. A one-of-a-kind "Bird-Elephant" emerges and Horton is happy one hundred percent.

I'm going to hunt for a Spanish translation.

Christmas Presents

We had a wonderful Christmas holiday and spent time with both sides of our family. We spent Christmas Eve (and a few days before) with James' parents, brother and grandparents Koehler. Then, we spent Christmas day (and a few days after) with Kim's parents, brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins. The holiday was full of food and family and love... but someone was missing. Even though our child is not yet in our home and in our arms, he or she was in our hearts this Christmas. The Amerman grandparents hung a stocking up for "Baby Fullton" on Christmas Eve, and in the morning it was filled with a teddy bear, a special book (translated into Spanish by Grandma Amerman) and some toys. James' Uncle Don and Aunt Cheryl sent a present all the way from Georgia--a One Year Children's Bible.

Everyone asked about "the adoption process" and we let them all know that we are waiting patiently for God to send us our child--hopefully before next Christmas. When we got home, we cleaned out our child's room and set out all his/her toys and books on the dresser. Now, the room has books, toys, a dresser, a desk and a beautiful mural. All it needs is a bed and a rug. (Without the bed and rug, it echoes a little bit!)