Just missing you

Well, it's starting to settle into our minds that we've really switched programs and that we are now, officially, in uncharted waters.  I really wish I had a due-date now more than ever.  Having gone through this process to switch to Brazil has given us the most firm assurance that we are, at this very moment, in God's plan and in His Will.  Having such a confidence of being a part of God's forever-plan almost makes it harder to wait.  Our children ARE waiting for us just as we are waiting for them.  Knowing that they are most likely out of infancy and even the toddler years has ignited in my heart a real and strong yearning to mother them.  Several of our good friends (Lydia, Kristin and Michelle) often remind me that I am a parent and I do have children (Kristin even went out of her way to wish me a happy Mother's Day last month), but I am missing out on mothering them until they finally come home.  

I know God is still preparing us to be together, and with the new urgency I feel, I have been mindfully preparing myself to parent our children.  We've been reading "Shepherding a Child's Heart," we ordered Rosetta Stone Portuguese, I've talked with my principal about getting my children into my school when we return from Brazil, I've joined a Fitness Boot Camp to try to help myself create some healthy habits, Michelle and I are going to start meeting as Spiritual Sharpening Partners, and we are re-reading the Gospel of John along with our house guest, Su Jeong.

And still I don't feel ready.

Our new social worker, Mary-Beth Dobmeier, met with us to update our homestudy report.  She asked us, "What do you think your life will be like when you arrive home from Brazil with your two children?  How will you do your grocery shopping?"  What she wanted to find out, I think, was if we have done some thinking about how we will manage our everyday lives as parents.  Truly, I have no idea what our life will look like.  At this moment, all I want to do is hold my babies.  Just hold them very tightly and not let go for a long long time.  I want to hold them on my lap and snuggle during a movie or a story or the quiet evening while we learn each other's hearts.  

I don't know what it will be like to go grocery shopping, but I hope it's fun.  I took my two neighbor girls home from Drama Club practice the other day and stopped in the grocery store on the way home because I needed some fruit... and so that I could try it out.   The trip was successful, and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle it.  But what about if my beloveds wake up with bad dreams, or miss their home country, or express their grief by lashing out in anger, or fall and hurt their little knees, or have trouble in school, or get frustrated about not being able to communicate in our English-speaking world, or don't know how to receive our love?  Will I be able to hug it all away?  How long will it take before being held by mommy or daddy quells the cares and worries and tears?

Being so sure that we are where God wants us makes me feel that we are one step closer to our children.  And it makes me feel a little more impatient.  

And I miss them.