Laying down my control

James is powering through his ARE exams toward becoming a licensed architect.  Today he took the 6th of 7 tests, and he wasn't quite done by the time I was ready to leave work.  It was a warming day after a big snow on Monday, and it seemed like a good day for a walk.

Turns out I needed the 45 minutes alone for some thinking and praying.  God revealed some ugly truths about my heart, and I spent the whole time home trying to find a way to lay them down at His feet.  This was a real battle between flesh and spirit.  See, my mind knows all of this is ridiculous, but here is what my heart has been saying:

• If I pray fervently enough...
• If I pray enough times...
• If I behave patiently...
• If I tell God my longings...

Then I'll free God up to finally reveal who our children are.  

Now, I'm sure that praying fervently and frequently, having patience and opening your heart to God are never  bad things, but what my heart was trying to do was control God's hand.  If I do... then a referral will come.  If I do... then I will have peace.  I, I, I.  I actually felt like my actions were what would cause God to move.  

Even as I heard myself confessing that my heart believed itself to be in control of God, I struggled with not even knowing how to lay that down.  I desperately want to be rid of this false idea that God acts because of what I do--but how can I tell my heart to stop leading me this way?   Can you hear it?  Even in that statement... I'm trying to control it.  I CAN'T get my heart to behave another way.  He has to do that work in me.

So, I decided that in faith, I would tell the Lord that I wanted to be rid of this manipulative attitude and that I wanted Him to be in control (at the same time hearing my heart say, "that should do it, tell Him He's in control... that'll get you what you want).  I'm not sure if I've ever felt so conflicted in my own self and I was acutely aware that one half of the conversation was sin talking, and the other half was the Lord.  So, I told Him I wanted to lay it down, and that I didn't know how, and that my flesh was still holding on tightly... but that I really wanted Him to take it from me.  

That was all I knew how to do.  After all, His grace is greater than my sin and He is more powerful than my sin-sick heart.