Bending Hearts

I am thankful that God is giving me peace these days. A couple weeks ago we definitely felt the claws of despair gripping us and trying to drag us downward when we know we ought to be focusing upward. Somehow, God gives us moments of peaceful clarity and trust in His plan. It is beyond my understanding.

Our church has been in the process of searching for a new senior pastor since our previous pastor received a call to another church six months ago. James is on the search committee and so we have been praying a lot for God to make His plan for our church very clear to the elders and committee members. My prayer lately has been to lead the church to seek only Him, desire only Him, and bend our hearts to Him. It is so easy in this situation, and in the process of waiting for our children, to focus on PASTOR or CHILDREN so much so that I take my eyes off God. I must bow my heart only to Him and be satisfied within His presence... no matter the outcome of these circumstances.

I always wondered how the Israelites in Exodus could forget God so quickly and so often. It always struck me as almost comical that God could part the seas and provide bread from the heavens and water from rocks and lead them daily through the desert in a pillar of clouds or fire... and the next thing they do is grumble, or complain, or doubt or rebel or seek idols instead of God. Funny, right? How could they be so thick? God even calls them "stiff-necked people" Confession time: I'm that thick. Thicker, maybe. Last Tuesday I sat to write this post feeling amazing peace and confidence. That same night, we heard from Luciana that the Psychologist hadn't finished the report for the judge yet and I lost it. Cried for hours and convinced myself that I'd probably never meet my children. Completely fell off the wagon into doubt and despair. Then this past weekend at the LIMIAR reunion, I started feeling confident in God's plan again. But today, one more time, I succumbed to bitterness of heart and frustration with the waiting... even anger at God for making me wait though I plead with Him daily to take this cup from me. This roller coaster is worse than 40 years in the desert.

So, what is the answer? The answer is that God knows what His children need. He knows the moment it needs to happen and he knows how to sustain me when I am beyond my own strength to stand up. The answer is to be content with just God. The answer is to bend my heart only to Him and to be wholly satisfied in Him alone.

Easier said than done... and easier for this Kim now than it was for the Kim of 3 years ago.

Lord, help me. Be my everything. Quench my thirst and bend my heart to you alone.

Persistence

¹Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. ²He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. ³And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'

⁴"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, ⁵yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' "

⁶And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. ⁷And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?⁸I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" (Luke 18:1-8, NIV)

After a weekend of answering a number of questions from the judge in Brazil and gathering more than a dozen letters of reference from our family and friends in record time, this parable kept coming to mind. I kept thinking, "isn't there a place in the Bible where a woman is seeking justice from a judge who won't give her an answer? Except the woman won't give in and keeps approaching the judge over and over again for that justice. And in the end the judge grants her plea, not necessarily because he wants her to have justice, but because he's tired of her bothering him!"

After searching out the reference and re-reading the parable, I can see that the situation Jesus describes isn't exactly parallel to our situation, but the story does have a number of things that are worth noting and have been an encouragement to me as I thought about them this week.

1. This parable is first and foremost about the importance of persistent prayer. Luke says that Jesus' parable was told in order to show people "that they should always pray and not give up." What an encouragement at this time when Kim and I might be tempted to be discouraged about how long is has taken for the judge in Brazil to rule on our petition! Jesus' words remind me that, however I may be feeling about the situation, God still wants me to pray about it, over and over if necessary. And unlike the judge who gets fed up with the persistence of the widow, God never tires of our approaching him with our petitions and prayers.
2. Parables are always interesting to look at because they teach a spiritual truth while telling an interesting story. And this story just so happens to be about a woman and a judge, which seems to make sense given our current situation! Though the widow in the story is seeking justice against her adversary and Kim and I are seeking a family, both of us have petitioned the court for something, and both of us have to wait upon that court for an answer.
3. Though I am not at all suggesting that, as in the parable, our judge in Brazil doesn't "fear God or care about men," or that she is "unjust," the widow's persistence spoke to me. It was interesting that justice was granted for a seemingly selfish reason on the part of the judge: so that the widow wouldn't "wear [him] out with her coming." As we were putting together the package of information for her this weekend, I kept hoping that the answers we provided and letters we gathered would overwhelm the judge so much that she would see how much we love these children already and how much support we have from our family and friends, and that she would grant our petition. I hoped that she would see that we were willing, like the widow in the parable, to continue to wait upon her and petition her until we received an answer.
4. At the end of the parable, Jesus brings it back to God and prayer: "will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night?" This statement about God's answering our prayers is in contrast to the act of justice granted by the judge in the parable. God listens to our prayers and grants our petitions out of love and grace, not out of exasperation of us approaching Him! But even in the context of the parable, I like to think about the way God might be working in our own situation. In the parable, God uses an "unjust" judge "who doesn't fear God or care about men" to do His will, namely provide justice for the widow. I am encouraged that God can use the actions of our judge in Brazil to carry out His will, regardless of whether she is a Christian or not (even though I pray she is!), and even regardless of whether she is sympathetic to our case (even though I hope she is!). Our persistent prayer is that God's will be that we are united with these children and that His hand move through the judge to make it so.
5. This parable, as is so often, ends with a zinger, cutting close to the heart, piercing like an arrow! "When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Whoa! This reminds me how important it is to continue to have faith and be persistent in prayer. We can say how much we believe that God listens to our persistent prayers, but if we don't persistently pray, we're not really practicing what we're preaching! (God help me to be persistent in my prayers and petitions to You!)

When it was suggested a few weeks ago that we might consider other referrals because of how long this was taking and not having received an answer from the judge, Kim's and my response was immediate and united: "absolutely not!" Though adopting four children was not something we had ever considered until God showed Maynara, Abraao Lucas, Luana, and Brayan to us back in March, through much prayer and many discussions, we felt compelled, yea "led," to petition the court to be their parents. And that is how we have felt ever since March/April when we submitted our petition. These are our children, and we will be persistent in pursuing them, in waiting upon the Lord with our prayers and the courts with our patience. After all, our heavenly Father continues to pursue us, even before we know him, until we are brought into His family! He sets such a good example, how could we possibly give up now!?

I had lunch with a good friend today and he was asking me about this adoption process. He was trying to find out how we were doing "waiting" and how we were staying so positive. My answer is simple, "If these are my children, then isn't waiting for them is the least I can do!" When I'm tempted to feel like "waiting" is a burden, I remind myself that they have been waiting for a family longer than I have been "waiting" for them. When we are united as a family forever, all of this time will feel inconsequential, I am certain. Since God is infinite, what are a few months for Him!?

Now to you, my loves, your Mom and I are persistent, and we will not give up on you. We will continue to pursue you, praying that God will bring us together as a family very soon. I can't wait to hug you all for the first time and all the 10 million times after that! Love, Dad.

God, hear my persistent prayer: that the judge see a family when she reviews all our papers, and answers, and letters; that she feel compelled to move quickly and grant the petition, and that it be soon, Lord; that things move smoothly as we prepare to travel; that we will be soon be united with the children You have had planned for us since the beginning of time. Amen.

The Author of this process

The author of this adoption process is a crafty one.  There is no detail that He has overlooked, but there are plenty that He has not yet revealed.  Looking back on the last few years' events, many of them have been somewhat more drawn-out and complex than we initially imagined they would have been.  I have the distinct impression that the Author is bringing the story to a moment of literary climax and that after all of the hard-fought battles are over, there will be something unimaginably beautiful waiting for us.

All of these events have been important parts of our preparation to be parents and, though it's tempting to resent them, are experiences that we value and even treasure.  We still don't know how the rest of our story will play out, but we have a peace amidst the storm and we know we are safe within a perfectly crafted story.

• Starting the process (2006)--we actually had to wait until we'd been married 4.5 years to begin building our first dossier.
  
• El Salvador (2006-2008)--this process was full of surprises, and things in El Salvador stalled, we were left wondering what God had in mind for our family.  But only for a little while.
  
• Switching to Brazil (2008)--when we finally realized that our children were not in El Salvador, but in Brazil, we began the dossier process all over again.  
  
• Brazilian referrals (2009)--the referral process was so much more drawn out and complicated than we expected.  We saw referrals of several children and sibling groups before we understood that God had more than just a couple children waiting to make up our family.  
  
• Seeing our children for the first time (March, 2009)--We always thought that once we got a referral, it would be a downhill ride, but there has been much struggle to request that these children became our sons and daughters.  
  
• Petitioning to adopt (April, 2009)--We thought we would get a definite response, but discovered that there were several components to to that process and are still (in late-June, 2009) still waiting for the assurance that we will adopt them.  
  
• Judge on vacation (the entire month of June, 2009)--When will she look at our paperwork?  We do not know, but we know she has returned.
  
• CEJA moves to a new office (June/July, 2009)--What this will mean, we still do not know, but it's one more uphill step in this long and unpredictable climb.  
  

School in Connecticut has ended for the summer and our hope is that we will be on our way to Brazil soon for the climactic moment of this story.  If we leave any time in the next 3 weeks or so, we will be home on time for the new school year to begin.  To me, that sounds like perfect timing, but I am not the author of this story.  

Hebrews 12:2-3  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Laying down my control

James is powering through his ARE exams toward becoming a licensed architect.  Today he took the 6th of 7 tests, and he wasn't quite done by the time I was ready to leave work.  It was a warming day after a big snow on Monday, and it seemed like a good day for a walk.

Turns out I needed the 45 minutes alone for some thinking and praying.  God revealed some ugly truths about my heart, and I spent the whole time home trying to find a way to lay them down at His feet.  This was a real battle between flesh and spirit.  See, my mind knows all of this is ridiculous, but here is what my heart has been saying:

• If I pray fervently enough...
• If I pray enough times...
• If I behave patiently...
• If I tell God my longings...

Then I'll free God up to finally reveal who our children are.  

Now, I'm sure that praying fervently and frequently, having patience and opening your heart to God are never  bad things, but what my heart was trying to do was control God's hand.  If I do... then a referral will come.  If I do... then I will have peace.  I, I, I.  I actually felt like my actions were what would cause God to move.  

Even as I heard myself confessing that my heart believed itself to be in control of God, I struggled with not even knowing how to lay that down.  I desperately want to be rid of this false idea that God acts because of what I do--but how can I tell my heart to stop leading me this way?   Can you hear it?  Even in that statement... I'm trying to control it.  I CAN'T get my heart to behave another way.  He has to do that work in me.

So, I decided that in faith, I would tell the Lord that I wanted to be rid of this manipulative attitude and that I wanted Him to be in control (at the same time hearing my heart say, "that should do it, tell Him He's in control... that'll get you what you want).  I'm not sure if I've ever felt so conflicted in my own self and I was acutely aware that one half of the conversation was sin talking, and the other half was the Lord.  So, I told Him I wanted to lay it down, and that I didn't know how, and that my flesh was still holding on tightly... but that I really wanted Him to take it from me.  

That was all I knew how to do.  After all, His grace is greater than my sin and He is more powerful than my sin-sick heart.   

CEJA

CEJA is the Comissão Estadual Judiciária de Adoção (State Judiciary Commission for Adoption).  Each state in Brazil has one of these Commissions and all adoptions must go through CEJA.  

We heard today that our dossier arrived safely in Brazil and that one of LIMIAR's employees will be submitting it tomorrow (1/29/09) to CEJA in the states of Rio de Janeiro, Pernambuco, Paraná and São Paulo.  

I know that sounded really calm and matter-of-fact.  Let me restate that with a quantity of exclamation points that properly portrays how thrilled I am about all this progress toward our children:

Our dossier is being submitted to CEJA TOMORROW!!!

A couple months for them to approve us, and then all we are waiting for is a referral (which could actually happen before we're approved).  I want to clarify one more thing here.  I'm not getting all giddy about the process or the papers or anything inconsequential like that.  I'm starting to feel that we are getting closer and closer to the day when our lives and hearts change forever because we've become parents to exactly the little ones God has planned for us to love all this time.  THAT is worth a few extra exclamation points! ! ! ! 

Adotar uma criança, um ato de amor 

Adopting a child is an act of love 

Two Small Stockings

Hanging above our fireplace are some Christmas stockings.  On the left there is one that James has used since his first Christmas, one my mother made for my first Christmas, and one for our guest SuJeong.  On the right there are two small stockings.  They have no name written on them and they are not nearly large enough to hold all the gifts I'm sure we'll want to fill them with some day.  They are there to remind us that there are 2 members of our family who are not home this Christmas.   Of course we wish they were here, but we did not hang the two small stockings in mourning.  We hung them in Hope.  

Each time we look at them we will remember to keep praying until the time is right for our children to come home.