Our church has been in the process of searching for a new senior pastor since our previous pastor received a call to another church six months ago. James is on the search committee and so we have been praying a lot for God to make His plan for our church very clear to the elders and committee members. My prayer lately has been to lead the church to seek only Him, desire only Him, and bend our hearts to Him. It is so easy in this situation, and in the process of waiting for our children, to focus on PASTOR or CHILDREN so much so that I take my eyes off God. I must bow my heart only to Him and be satisfied within His presence... no matter the outcome of these circumstances.
I always wondered how the Israelites in Exodus could forget God so quickly and so often. It always struck me as almost comical that God could part the seas and provide bread from the heavens and water from rocks and lead them daily through the desert in a pillar of clouds or fire... and the next thing they do is grumble, or complain, or doubt or rebel or seek idols instead of God. Funny, right? How could they be so thick? God even calls them "stiff-necked people" Confession time: I'm that thick. Thicker, maybe. Last Tuesday I sat to write this post feeling amazing peace and confidence. That same night, we heard from Luciana that the Psychologist hadn't finished the report for the judge yet and I lost it. Cried for hours and convinced myself that I'd probably never meet my children. Completely fell off the wagon into doubt and despair. Then this past weekend at the LIMIAR reunion, I started feeling confident in God's plan again. But today, one more time, I succumbed to bitterness of heart and frustration with the waiting... even anger at God for making me wait though I plead with Him daily to take this cup from me. This roller coaster is worse than 40 years in the desert.
So, what is the answer? The answer is that God knows what His children need. He knows the moment it needs to happen and he knows how to sustain me when I am beyond my own strength to stand up. The answer is to be content with just God. The answer is to bend my heart only to Him and to be wholly satisfied in Him alone.
Easier said than done... and easier for this Kim now than it was for the Kim of 3 years ago.
Lord, help me. Be my everything. Quench my thirst and bend my heart to you alone.
1 comment:
Oh, this is so great! I too have thought what silly dunces those Israelites were with their repeated forgetting, but yes, it is convicting to realize how similarly I think at times.
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